We live in a neighborhood that is heavily wooded. Our backyard has always been a large eyesore of dying grass and invasive weeds, which made it seem inhospitable to us. I had never thought much about it really; never took the time to see its beauty. Last winter, for some supposedly random reason, my husband decided to renovate our backyard. Mike got rid of the weeds and planted new greenery and flowers; refurbished the decking boards and bought outdoor furniture – old wooden benches circled the newly laid firepit. Adirondack chairs, a hammock, tiki torches and citronella candles surrounded the sitting area. But my absolute favorite piece was my Christmas present…a wooden swing Mike attached to the deck beams.  He also put up some bird feeders in order to watch and listen to the birds. We didn’t know it then, but God had put a desire in Mike’s heart to create our sanctuary, for such a time as this.

Last month I received the devastating news of my son’s death. He died of mental illness and addiction. He was missing for 63 days before they found him, which added a level of horrific anxiety to my life I had never experienced before. We’re not supposed to bury our children…how in the world am I supposed to recover from the trauma of losing my firstborn son?

When I first received the news, I retreated to my tranquil backyard. I found comfort there, sitting in the middle of nature, swinging to the sway of the soft blowing wind; listening to the universe. There aren’t many words these days…nothing can explain the senseless tragedy of losing your child. For some reason, I felt there was nothing more important than sitting in silence.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10 NLT

Looking up into the canopy, tree limbs hang in just the right way to form a perfect heart shaped opening to the heavens: A true gift from the Lord. I like to sit and stare up at my heart in the trees, while my own heart struggles to mend. My life has been forever altered.

I’ve sat in my Paradise every day since I heard the earth shattering news and my tree heart has stayed consistently the same. Until this morning.

A big storm come through last night, which blew the trees wildly, branches swayed to and fro, bending and bowing to the powerfully strong winds.

The next morning as I sat on my swing coffee in hand, Mike by my side, I looked up at my heavenly tree heart. The branches had shifted so much so that it caused my heart in the trees to change its shape. It no longer looked like a well-defined heart; it actually looked a little lopsided. “My heart is changing,” I thought. And I heard the universe responded, “Yes. Your heart is most definitely changing.”

The storms of life will undoubtedly cause our branches to shift, and move; changing the shape of our future; bending us to become unrecognizable, even a little lopsided. It is then we realize the time has come for us to change, too.

Sitting in silence, listening to the universe, opening our hearts and minds to a new way of life allows growth to take place. Through this tragedy, I have come to realize that like my backyard, the winds of change have blown into my heart, which was in desperate need of renovation. Sometimes life’s storms are out of our control, bringing about forced change; but allowing room in our hearts to change for the good, will help us grow and keep us moving forward.

Peace be with you.

Julia